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The actress began to complain to Oliver about money and I saw the camera woman walk on set and give the actor a help with his baptismal silk furcula. When they looked at me, I took shelter behind the studio lights.

"Would you film us Fatty?" asked the camera-woman, slipping off her shirt.

"I'm busy," I said, and I went to the door.

I was unhappy with the movie, that my name would be appearing in the credits even; although I felt differently at the ceremony.

I turned round. Oliver had his stick at the throat of the naked actress. The sound man and two gang members were trying to gather up the animals while another was checking out angles for the next movie. The pig still seemed quite horny, and in fact, nobody was drained except me.

"Woy all of the plainer boys have seen to me," said Oliver in his speech at the ceremony, "to know you've bleeding straight nicked it feels damn hopeful tonight."

And he walked away with everything .... all the plaudits .... him and the usual selection of half-naked women and boys that dominate these affairs. The Actress Lindsay Jones was the worst of them.

I'd like to give this award to all the Botty Boys .... you know who you are .... to my dress designer, who makes this pop open when I walk.... and to the audience, who love to see my breasts .... they never tire!

One day I keep thinking, I'll get it right .... but mostly I just eat away the blues. Because eating helps immensely .... takes your mind off anything .... while these smiling girls and boys get all the love they want .... and more. The more awards we win, the more free meals I get, I guess.

Well : Who needs love .... they only have to undress for it. And me? If anyone ever wanted to see me naked, I guess I might too. As it goes, I'm just Fatty to them, the guy who brings them their stupid towels.


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